


Underneath

by Erestorandfin



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Away Mission Gone Bad, Away Mission Gone Wrong, Blood and Injury, F/M, Major Character Injury, Peril
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:40:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27843148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erestorandfin/pseuds/Erestorandfin
Summary: While visiting an alien planet to obtain essential supplies, a natural disaster traps the away team deep underground, and facing a race against time to escape before they succumb to their injures.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 42
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Mary S for beta and support!
> 
> Kathryn's thoughts are in Italics

Kathryn began to stir, the smell of burning invading her senses before she was aware enough to open her eyes. When she did, they closed reflexively as the sting of smoke assaulted their sensitive membranes.

_Where am I?_

She couldn’t remember anything prior to waking here. Under her body, she could feel cool stone flooring, and from the raw burning on her cheek, she surmised she had fallen face down on the uneven surface. In the distance, she could hear crackling but nothing else, no people, no familiar sounds. Instinctively she could tell she was not on Voyager, the feel and sound of their home so familiar to her, but apart from that, she could sense little else.

_Voyager._

The thought triggered a cascade of memories. She knew who she was. But why was she here, wherever here was? 

Forcing her eyes open again, she blinked rapidly to try and reduce the irritation. There was some light but it was fairly dim. From the flickering shadows she could see, there was fire burning nearby. Moving her hands close in to where her ribs met the floor, she tried to push herself up, only to feel a wave of nausea and agony. Her hand was now wet, she must be lying in water. From the feel of it, she must have landed pretty hard, she had to have bruised ribs - it would hurt too much to strain them to get up.

New plan. Turn onto her back and try to get up that way. Counting to three, she gritted her teeth as she rolled over carefully, again feeling sick but not as badly as before. Finally facing upwards, she collapsed back down with a moan, panting at the exertion the simple action had taken. As she waited to regain her breath, she took in the great stone ceiling overhead, uneven, broken, as though it wasn’t finished, or recently damaged. Her head started to throb with the familiar beginnings of a migraine. Clearly she didn’t have time for that now, but she had little option to prevent it. Noticing for the first time that her hands were freezing, presumably from lying on the stone floor for so long, she wondered if she could soothe her forehead with them to buy herself a little relief. But as she lifted her hand, she realised she wasn’t lying in water. 

She was lying in blood.

_Fuck, Kathryn, what have you gotten yourself into this time?_ Swearing quietly at herself, she tried to push herself up into a sitting position. Her abdomen felt like hell. 

Her uniform also felt wet, possibly it was soaked in blood too, so she carefully manoeuvred it off over her head. She had planned to leave her tank on but she noticed in horror that almost the entire front of the pale grey material was now dark red. Gritting her teeth she carefully felt over the fabric, locating a firm hard object entering below her rib cage, angled upwards. Pulling her tank around it she pulled it off too, leaving her top half bare except for her bra. 

It did not look good. 

A thin glass shard was protruding about half an inch from her body, and judging from the jarring pain, it went quite deep. It was certainly perforating her liver, and perhaps her lung too. Only time, or a medical tricorder would tell. How had it gotten there?

Trying to remember, she looked around the room. More glass littered the floor, most pieces were small but there were a few at least as big as the one in her abdomen. Eyes fixing on a wreck of metal and glass, she realised it was the remains of an elaborate chandelier. It must have been dislodged from the ceiling. A momentary flash of memory as she watched it fall before her, of trying to turn away from the impending explosion but being too late. Considering how many shards she had seen filling the air as everything went black, she realised how remarkably lucky she was to even have woken again. Not that she would stay that way for long if she couldn’t get treated soon; she might yet regret the loss of a quick death. Reaching for her uniform, she found her combadge. Tapping it, she tried to hail Voyager but there was no response. Her best hope was to get treated here then: she hoped the Picolians had a medic on site.

The Picolians, they were visiting the Picolians on a diplomatic mission to trade for the resources Voyager needed. They were particularly sensitive to sunlight, and lived in a vast series of underground caves. Remembering they had been warned that the depth and composition of the rocks would prevent communications, she groaned. That was why she couldn’t get through to Voyager. They must have come here for the meeting, but what had happened? And more importantly, where was everyone? She knew that four of them had come, two from security and herself and Chakotay.

_Chakotay..._

She needed to find the rest of her party before they could work out how to escape. But first, she had to deal with her injury the best she could. As much as she wanted to remove the glass, to stop the sharp stabbing it caused each time she moved, considering how much blood she had lost already, Kathryn very much suspected she would bleed out in minutes if she did. It would have to stay there for now. Folding up her top into a large square, with the blood soaked side enclosed in the middle, she pressed it firmly over her abdomen, before pulling her tank back on, to hold it in place. She would need to keep her eye out for a change of clothing, she could feel the cold dampness from the blood, but for now it was the best she could do. 

_On three, Kathryn, it’s time to get up. One, two, three…_

Eventually she managed to struggle to her feet. Which way to go? She could see where the hearth that heated the great room had collapsed, spilling the contents into the room where it had taken hold of the draped wall hangings. Luckily, it was spreading slowly, but she knew it was only a matter of time before the whole room was ablaze. They needed to leave quickly before the smoke overpowered them. Even if she was unconscious, being burnt alive was not how she would choose to go.

Carefully she started to walk, trying to work out which movements were safe, and which would put strain on her injury. Fortunately standing seemed a little easier than lying, as long as she didn’t bend or twist. Her search of the room let her know she was in some sort of meeting hall. There was a large table set with remainders of food, and she remembered being on the way for breakfast before their trade negotiations. This was their private dining area, all the rooms allocated to the visitors from Voyager were located around it. There had been plenty of Picolians here when she arrived though; where was everybody?

A tremble from under her feet unbalanced her and she almost fell. Her arm shot out, using the wall for balance. The jarring action caused agony and she heaved for a moment, struggling not to throw up. With deep breaths, she re-centred herself. 

She had only just arrived from her room, she remembered, when, just like now, the room had begun to shake. It was the earth shifting. There must have been an earthquake. That would explain the scattering of large rocks around the room; the chandelier must have been loosened as parts of the room began to shift and collapse. They were lucky they hadn’t been buried alive.

Even as she thought it, she moved around the table and her eyes fell on the sight of two bodies.

Human bodies.

Her heart dropped.

Lowering herself gingerly to her knees, keeping her abdomen rigidly straight, she turned the first body over. It was Ensign Lang. Kathryn’s seeking fingers could find no pulse, unsurprising considering the damage she could see to Lang’s head, she must have been struck hard. Glancing at the other body, she stood with a deep sigh. There was no point checking Lieutenant Andrews’ pulse since half his body was crushed under a rock that must have dropped from the ceiling. No one could survive that.

So at least half their party was dead, and she herself was not in a good position. That still left Chakotay, and she desperately hoped he had fared better.

_Okay, so if I want to get out_ _of here, I need_ _a plan, I need some supplies. Which one of these doors is my room? Maybe I can get_ _some fresh clothes_ _._

She managed to force the door open, but couldn’t go much further. Her room was mostly collapsed, she had no hope of retrieving her things or get new clothing. Shivering, she realised that had she been only a few minutes later to rise, had not left her room when she did, she would never have left.

Lang’s room next to hers had fared the same. She guiltily glanced at Lang’s body, but she knew she had no other option. “I’m sorry, I don’t think you need it anymore...” she murmured, removing the yellow uniform top and tank from her body. It was dry, and she knew it might be the difference between life and death for her; she had little enough energy to move, let alone create heat to fight the creeping cold her wet uniform was causing to seep into her body. Removing her own tank, she tore the dry parts into strips, using them to tie the pad over her wound firmly into place, before pulling Lang‘s tank and top on, instantly grateful for the warmth in the cool cavern. There were a few strips left, she took them with her in case she needed to replace them.

The third room was in better shape, with only half the room under rubble. She spotted the handle of the emergency bag Security always brought on away missions poking out from under the debris. Exactly what she needed. It took a little work to get it free but eventually it came loose, and she emptied it out onto the dusty table to see what she could salvage. The bag itself was fine, that could be used to carry anything she found. 

There was no dermal regenerator, and the medical tricorder wouldn’t turn on. She would just have to go with her instincts on how her body was holding up. Thankfully, the hypospray seemed to be undamaged, complete with one vial of revival agent, and one vial of analgesia. It wasn’t much but at least it was something if the pain became unbearable. She knew she wouldn’t use it though, not until she had found Chakotay. He could very well be in worse condition than she was. A couple of bottles of water and ration bars had survived, although they were a bit misshapen. Unfortunately, as they had not been permitted to bring phasers, she had nothing defensive. While she was still taking this to be a natural disaster rather than a deliberate attack, it never hurt to be cautious, and she would have felt better with a phaser.

Just out of reach, she could see a pillowcase peeking out from under the rubble, and for a moment she considered trying to shift the debris to get it; her dressing would need replacing, but so far she had found nothing suitable. On balance, she rejected the idea. The limited exertion she had experienced since waking was already making her tired, and she wasn’t sure it would be worth the time and energy it would take to retrieve. Besides, there was just too much dust and grime, it wouldn’t be appropriate for such an open wound; there was little point in stemming the flow of blood a little longer only to succumb to the significantly less pleasant sepsis. Repacking the items into the bag, she adding the remaining strips of fabric from her tank, positioned it very carefully over one shoulder so that it could not possibly swing into her abdomen and headed for the last room. Her pulse was rising now, worried that she might not find Chakotay. Even more worried that she would.

The door seemed to be blocked from the other side; when she pushed it resisted and pressed back against her. She heard a faint moan. Someone was in there.

_Please let it be Chakotay. Please let him be okay._

Bracing her shoulder against the door, she pushed as hard as she could, managing to get it to crack open wide enough for her slender form, and she slipped in, just making it through before it closed. She could see most of the room buried under the collapsed ceiling. Panting from the exertion, she looked around. 

The weight keeping the door closed was Chakotay.

Filled with adrenaline, she dropped to her knees beside him, not even noticing the jarring pain this caused. There was blood on his face, dripping from a gash on the side of his head. It looked like he had been about to leave the room when the quake happened, and while he had escaped being trapped, he had not quite manage to dodge all the falling rocks, as evidenced by a smattering of blood on the rough stones around him. Like her, if he had been only a minute later…

Kathryn wiped the blood carefully from his face using her sleeve and examined the cut. It was still bleeding, but she was more concerned about the possible concussion, or worse. She would have liked to wash the cut properly, but she knew better than to use any of their limited water. Retrieving a strip of cloth, she gently dabbed the blood away. When she had removed as much as she could, she pressed a clean strip against it firmly, holding it in place until she was confident no more blood was going to leak out if she let go.

“Chakotay?” 

No response. 

She pulled out the hypospray, loading the revival agent and unhesitatingly pressed it to his neck. He began to stir, then looked up in confusion.

“Kathryn? What’s happening? My head is killing me...”

“Try to stay still while you get used to being awake again. There was an earthquake, it’s damaged the structure of the living areas and tunnels. It looks like you were hit by falling rock. I’ve cleaned the cut but I think you must have been hit hard. We need to get you medical attention as soon as possible. The tricorder is broken so I don’t know if there is anything more serious going on.”

Leaning his head back against the door, Chakotay closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing as he waited for the ringing in his head to clear.

“It’s just us. Lang and Andrews are dead, looks like they were killed in the initial quake. There have been a few smaller waves since then, I don’t know if there will be more. We need to leave soon, but I think you need a short break before we get going, otherwise the movement might be too much. I have a hypospray for pain if you hurt too much once we start moving but if it’s manageable we should try to keep it as long as possible as there is only one dose; you might get worse if it takes a long time for us to get out.”

He nodded and immediately regretted it, stars bursting behind his eyes. Closing them again, he focused on staying still, the delicate gusts of her breath against his face as she watched him, reminding him how close she was.

“Chakotay?” A slight note of anxiety that he was slipping back into unconsciousness.

“I’m still here, Kathryn, I just need a moment.” She nodded, but then realised he couldn’t see.

“Do you think you have any other injuries? Can you feel pain from anywhere else?”

“I don’t think so, but it’s hard to focus, everything is a little cloudy.”

Kathryn’s suspicion that the blow to his head had caused more serious damage than a cut solidified. Time was critical, they needed to get on their way immediately, but she needed to know if he had further injuries that might be aggravated by movement.

“That’s all right, Chakotay, just try to focus on keeping still. I’m going to check you for injuries okay? I need to know where you are so I can work out how we are getting out of this mess. My hands are cold, I think I was unconscious for a while on the stone floor so my temperature is a little low. Try not to jump.”

In any other circumstances, the firm but cautious touch as she ran her hands over him would have evoked an entirely different reaction. She carefully checked over his arms, chest, stomach, legs, using enough pressure that if there was an injury he would certainly feel it, but not enough to cause serious pain. Automatically a hiss escaped his lips as she pressed his chest, and her touch softened; she suspected bruised or broken ribs. Fortunately, other than that, he seemed mostly uninjured.

“I think your ribs have taken a bit of a battering, but otherwise you seem shipshape. We just need to get that head looked at.”

Sighing in relief, she removed her hands. Now that she was no longer distracted by Chakotay, she realised how much pain this position was causing her, bending forward seemed to be pushing the shard deeper, and she could already feel blood beginning to escape from the dressing.

She weighed up her options. Just the act of moving seemed to encourage her wound to keep bleeding, so if she wanted to last long enough to be treated, she really needed to stay still. But Chakotay’s head injury needed to be seen urgently, waiting around here would almost certainly be a death sentence. He was still too confused to really know what he was doing; he had no hope of finding his way out even if she did order him to leave without her. Not that he would have listened to such an order anyway. The only chance of getting him the medical treatment he needed was if she led them. It was an easy choice; she couldn’t let him wander hopelessly or condemn him to die as they waited for rescue. Besides, deep underground a rescue operation seemed difficult as their location was unknown, and they could easily wait for a rescue that never came. They had to go onwards, and she just had to hope she could hold the bleeding off long enough for them to get clear of the tunnels. 

“Right, I think we need to start going, the sooner we get that head looked at, the better. Do you think you can get up?”

“I’m not sure, I might need help.”

“I’m here,” She reassured him, slowly getting to her feet, and holding out her hand for him.

“On three, try to push yourself up and I’ll pull at the same time, okay?”

He nodded.

“One, Two, Three!”

Kathryn leaned backwards, using her full body weight as leverage to disguise the lack of strength she currently had. It was working, and she managed to pull him up, although she couldn’t prevent a small gasp slipping out as her intercostal muscles screamed in protest. Chakotay instantly narrowed in on the sound.

“Kathryn?”

“I’m fine Chakotay, as I said I was lying on the floor a long time. My muscles are very stiff and cold, once we get going it should be a bit easier.”

“I should check you over, there could be something more serious hiding under the guise of muscle injury.”

“While I appreciate the offer, I think you are a bit too uncoordinated for that right now, Chakotay. Besides, it’s the first thing I did; fortunately, I avoided a head injury, so it was fairly easy to check myself over. I have a graze,” she indicated her face where she did indeed have a mark from where she had fallen onto the floor, “and like you, I have bruised ribs. But I managed to avoid being hit by falling rocks by some miracle.”

It was not quite a lie, but as close as she could get. Nothing she said was untrue, she hadn’t specifically denied any further injuries in addition to those she mentioned, but she was hoping Chakotay’s head injury would prevent him pushing further. If he knew how she was injured, he would insist they stay here. It was risky to move, she knew that, but getting him out safely was her first priority, and to do that, she needed him to think she was fine.

In an attempt to prove her wellbeing, she walked seemingly unaffectedly past him, pulling the door into the eating chamber open.

“Come on, let’s go, Chakotay. Who knows when there might be another collapse? We might not be so lucky next time. I’ve been working on a new recipe with my replicator, and I’d hate to die without you getting to try it.” She grinned at him.

Rolling his eyes at her terrible attempt at humour, he silently wondered if he might be safer here where he didn’t have to take any chances with her cooking. He stiffly followed her as they re-entered the main chamber before heading the way they had been shown in.

Regretfully, Kathryn glanced back at Lang and Andrews as she and Chakotay made their way to the tunnel, but she knew there was no way they could bring their bodies back to Voyager. It would be a miracle if they made it, as it was. But that didn’t make her feel any less guilty.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Mary S for beta and support!

Kathryn had been watching Chakotay fearfully as they walked the endless tunnels. They had done their best to recreate the journey that brought them here, but had met several dead ends where the tunnel had collapsed, and had had to double back and re-route several times. Her abdomen was damp again; the pad must be saturated. With the bleeding refusing to stop, she knew resting would be dangerous. Eventually she would become too light headed to keep going, and she needed to make sure they were out before then, or Chakotay would die with her. But he was definitely flagging; they had been going for more hours than she could guess, and with his head injury, he must be exhausted. If they didn’t stop and rest, she didn’t think he would make it much further.

“Chakotay, I think we should stop for a short rest. We could both use the sleep, and there doesn’t seem to be anyone else around to worry about.”

Although he wouldn’t have admitted it, Chakotay was relieved at her suggestion. It was taking him more and more effort just to put one foot in front of the other as his head struggled to think clearly. Taking a seat, he looked at Kathryn as she pulled out one of the bottles of water and a ration bar, accepting them from her without comment.

“Just take sips, your head injury is likely to make you nauseous, and it seems sensible to not overwhelm your stomach.”

Knowing she was right, he tried to drink slowly despite his thirst. Finding himself watching her, he couldn’t help noticing how pale the dim lights down here made her look. Under the circumstances, she looked as though she was doing as well as could be expected, but there was an air of tiredness and expended effort accompanying her actions. He knew her too well to expect her to admit exhaustion, though.

“How are you holding up, Kathryn?”

“Tired, obviously, but nothing I can’t deal with. Now and then it comes in handy to be an insomniac, makes times like this seem a bit more normal. How are you?”

“Honestly? Feels like I’ve been slugged over the head by a giant rock.”

Kathryn laughed, glad to see his usual playfulness still there despite their grim situation. Taking the bottle back from him she took a few mouthfuls before putting it away, insisting he finish the rest of the ration bar he offered her. He needed the energy more, and she wasn’t sure she could keep it down anyway.

“Get some sleep then! I’m just going to check around the corner, make sure there is nothing worrying before I settle down.”

After rounding the corner, she found the corridor splitting in two. She could see down one that it had collapsed, ending in a pile of rubble, and she took that path. When she reached the dead end, she carefully removed her top and tank, and as expected found the dressing soaked. Sighing, she removed it and carefully disposed of it out of sight behind some of the collapsed rocks, so it couldn’t be seen from the main passage. Removing her tank, she made another dressing, and fixed it in place, before putting the uniform top on. She could already feel the loss of warmth but there wasn’t much she could do about that. Stemming the blood flow would ultimately keep her warmer than wearing it would.

When she came back, Chakotay’s eyes were closed, and his breathing was even. Still, she watched him for a few minutes to make sure there were no signs of consciousness.

Satisfied that he was truly asleep, Kathryn eased herself down the wall beside him. The change in position sent a shock through her abdomen and she gasped softly. The resistance of her lungs seemed to be gradually increasing, and her sharp breath triggered a coughing fit, which she quickly stifled with her hand, afraid to wake Chakotay.

After a few minutes, when she was sure she would not cough again, she removed her hand. As expected, it was splattered with blood, confirming that the difficulty in breathing she was experiencing was probably due to pulmonary haemorrhage. She couldn’t let him sleep for more than a few hours, otherwise she might not be strong enough to keep him going.

It also meant she would have to stay awake. She couldn’t risk her body deciding it needed a longer sleep, one she would be unlikely to wake up from.

***

“Chakotay…”

He could hear the voice from somewhere far away, but he ignored it. Wherever he was, he wanted to stay here, could sense that somewhere nearby lay exhaustion and pain, and he did not want to return to that reality.

“Chakotay, come on, it’s time to get up. We have to go.” Cool fingers on his forehead soothed away the pounding that he was becoming aware of. Struggling back from it, he tried to retreat into the peace from only moments ago.

“Please, Chakotay, wake up.” A slight edge of urgency, of fear that he might have slipped out of her reach. The voice was familiar, but he had rarely heard such softness accompanying the iron undertone. As though by instinct, he struggled to obey, knew he would do anything to avoid disappointing the person who was calling for him. It was so difficult, he just wanted to rest. He tried to focus on her voice, to follow her, but the thin threads of consciousness were slipping away, leaving him lost, and with no way to find his way back, he sank deeper into oblivion.

As though she could feel his struggle, could sense he was losing the fight to hold on, her efforts to ground him increased, doing anything she could think of to engage whatever part of him she could. Soft hands stroked his cheeks, and he could feel warm breath on his face as her voice returned, an ongoing rush of words which he could not hear, but the meaning was clear. Slowly her presence wrapped around him, binding him to the world, pulling him back from the abyss.

There was nothing but her now, the husky voice calling him back, the soft scent of vanilla that surrounded her, and he remembered that whatever it felt like here, it was false. The real peace was with her, the only peace he ever needed. The call of the dark seemed fainter now, and with a great effort he struggled forward, feeling as though he was forcing his way through water, but eventually he burst free and his eyes flickered.

Her bright eyes were only centimetres from his, as close as she could be to his face without touching. When his eyes opened, he could tell she wasn’t expecting it, and for a moment she was caught off guard, her feelings exposed before she could react. So much pain and fear, convinced that she had lost him, that she had failed him, failed to save him like she had failed so many times before. But it was more, much deeper than that of a captain failing to protect her crew. This was a personal loss, as though part of her was dying with him. Perhaps it was, for he could see the reflection of love in her eyes, the breaking of her heart at the thought that he was gone. Then there was relief, overwhelming every part of her with the knowledge that somehow he was okay.

It all could have only lasted a few milliseconds, but it felt like eternity as he read her in a way she had never let him before. And then suddenly, as though she realised what was happening, of how long she had let herself be bare to him, she blinked and she was hidden from him again.

But she didn’t move away.

Her hands didn’t move from his face, as though she needed proof that he was here with her. Eyes still held his gaze, and although they were now veiled, there was no mistaking the meaning passing between them.

Soft lips pressed against his, so lightly he could barely feel it. If he couldn’t see her right in front of him, eyes closed now as she leant forward, he might have thought he imagined it. Her quick breathing against his lips as the kiss ended. She let her forehead rest against his for a moment, just reminding herself that he was alive.

But then she remembered how far there still was to go before he was safe. And the real possibility that she wouldn’t make it there with him. For so long she had managed to hide her feelings from him, all the times they could have been together, and yet now she foolishly let him understand, giving him false hope. She had set the timer going the second she decided to ensure he escaped, only the sand was draining away even quicker than she had expected, and she knew that his heart would break when the last grains fell. She jerked away, regretting it immediately as she felt the glass within her jarring, and the tears she had only just managed to restrain when she thought he was dead were wrenched from her in a blend of physical and emotional pain.

Chakotay was unprepared for her sudden swing in behaviour. He had been close, he realised, so close to death, but she had pulled him back. The connection that they shared, unacknowledged, was the only reason he was still here. But now he was here, she was retreating, as though she could somehow take her love back, push it down deep, pretend it had never happened and return to how things had always been. Her sob broke his heart, and he wanted to soothe her but she was out of his reach, turning away as she tried to get her composure back.

Taking as deep a breath as she could manage without hurting her fluid filled lungs, she forced herself to focus, to let go of the emotion trying to overwhelm her. There was still a long way to go.

“We need to go. I was right, there is something more going on with your injury, every minute we wait is making it worse. I might not be able to wake you next time.”

“Kathryn...”

“Chakotay, don’t. We need to focus on getting out of here, okay? I need you to focus on getting up, on keeping going, nothing else.”

Her hand reached out for him, and maybe he imagined it, but as she pulled him back to his feet again, he thought she gave it a soft squeeze before letting go.

***

The last few hours had been unbearably difficult, only sheer obstinacy kept her on her feet. It was not an option to fail, she would not add Chakotay’s to the deaths of Lang and Andrews. The path they followed seemed to be slowly rising, and she desperately hoped they were on the right track.

As they rounded the corner, they found the way almost completely blocked by the collapsed tunnel ceiling. There was a small gap at the side; she thought with difficulty they might be able to fit through it, although she wasn’t sure if she would be able to bend the way it would need. It was hard to tell, she thought the collapse looked as though it went on about 50 metres. It was going to be very tricky.

Kathryn looked at Chakotay, who had taken a seat on a large fallen rock, trying to get his breath back. He hadn’t complained but she could see the pain he tried to conceal, the exhaustion he fought with every step. It had been many hours since they had last passed a fork; going back was not an option. They would just have to get through this gap and pray it was the right way.

“We have to keep going forward. I’ll go first, I’m smaller, so if I can’t get through, we’ll know there’s not enough space for you. It’s going to be okay. I’ll call you once I’m at the other side.” Her hand patted his shoulder reassuringly.

The contorting and flexing the small passage required was agony. Biting her lip to hold back the sounds trying to break free, she forced herself forward, clutching her abdomen tightly, trying to stabilise the glass, reduce how much it could move. It helped a little but as she pushed herself out of the gap and into the open passage she stumbled, and swore loudly at the flash of pain.

“Kathryn!”

“I’m...I’m fine Chakotay. I’m out, I just slipped and cut my hand. Come through, I think there is enough room. Take it slowly.”

It was tempting to take this time to check out her injury, but she had nothing left to replace the dressing, so there was little point. Even if it was completely soaked, there was nothing she could do. Her hand was covered in blood from where she had tried to apply pressure, and although she wiped it, it was difficult to get it all off, and he was nearly here now. She was going to struggle to hide it. Eyes glancing down the hole Chakotay was almost through, she made her choice in a split second. Closing her eyes, she ran her palm firmly over the jagged edge of one of the rocks, slicing a shallow but long cut into her skin. As small beads of blood welled in the cut, it blended with the smudges of blood she couldn’t remove.

Despite being so close, it took a long time for Chakotay to get through, and when he did, she could see he was dizzy; she hurriedly directed him to the ground to get his breath back. Turning away from her, he couldn’t hold back anymore and threw up, head pounding and screaming in his ears. Turning back, he rested his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands.

Fuck. Throwing up was not a good sign, he was getting worse, and so was she. The pain was almost unbearable now, breathing was so difficult, and she thought longingly of the hypospray they had tried so hard to save. But then she looked at him, and knew what she had to do. She could manage.

Withdrawing the hypospray, Kathryn pressed it to his neck. A groan passed his lips, as the pressure and nausea eased off slightly. She wanted to let him rest but she couldn’t. If he didn’t get back up now, he might not get up at all.

“Come on, Chakotay, the air feels fresher here. I think we might be close. I know you are tired, but after last time, we can’t risk stopping.”

Reaching for her hand, he froze as he saw that it was covered in blood. Out of instinct she had automatically offered her right hand, forgetting about the injury. Eyes met hers in panic. She hastily wiped it against her clothing.

“I cut my hand when I slipped, remember? It’s not bad, but you know how shallow cuts seem to bleed more.” She offered him her left instead.

“You should let me look-“

“I’m fine!” she snapped, gritting her teeth against the pain as she pulled him up. Panting, she realised she was making him more worried, not less. She sighed.

“Sorry. I couldn’t get to sleep when we stopped, I’m getting irritable. It really is only a shallow cut, I think the bleeding has already stopped, see?” She held her hand up for him, which did indeed appear to be drying. Giving him a soft smile of apology for her temper, she began to head down the passage, and heard him fall into step behind her, following her lead.

***

They found themselves at a large door, heavy and stable, unaffected by the movement of the earthquake. Hardly daring to believe it, they pulled it open together, and the stairs they had descended down on their way in came into sight. The bright light falling down the stairwell hurt their eyes after so long in the dark tunnels, but Kathryn had never wanted to see something more. They were so close. There were still a lot of stairs to climb, and as they ascended she felt her breathing getting shorter, unable to resist the pressure any longer as she pushed her body even further with their steep climb, repeatedly stumbling.

The sound of her rapid pulse seemed to resonate in her ears as they pressed on, knowing her heart was having to work harder and harder to keep going with the reduced volume of blood. It felt unbearably cold now, but from her glances at Chakotay she thought it might be her; his face was flushed with warmth from their exertion.

Chakotay reached the top first, and this time it was him pulling her up, concerned by the harshness of her breathing, and loss of her usual surefootedness.

“I guess even someone who hardly sleeps can still get tired after enough walking!” she gasped, knowing full well that tiredness was only a minor contributor to her struggle for breath. Tapping her badge, she silently begged for a response as she hailed Voyager.

“Janeway to bridge, please respond.”

“Captain, it is good to hear your voice. Our sensors picked up some seismic activity, and our attempts to contact the Picolian government went unanswered. Are you well?”

“We could be better. Can you beam us directly to sickbay? Commander Chakotay has a serious head injury and needs immediate medical assessment.”

“We can’t get a transporter lock due to the planet’s natural shielding, but Tom and the Doctor are already on route with the Delta flyer.”

Her eyes closed in frustration; she had known they wouldn’t be able to transport directly, but until now she had pushed it from her mind.

“Understood.”

“We will be there as soon as possible, Captain.”

“Thank you, Tuvok. Janeway out.”

As the conversation ended, Chakotay could see a wave of relief washing over her ashen face. He had taken a seat after helping her up. Finally able to rest, his head cleared a little as he got his breath back. As Kathryn spoke to Voyager, he watched her, trying to process all that had happened.

“It won’t be long, Chakotay, just hold on until the doctor is here...” 

Now that they had finally made it, now help was on the way, she felt the strength she had been forcibly holding together disintegrate. Unable to keep upright anymore, she leaned back against the stone wall surrounding the entrance to the tunnels, and slid into a sitting position. Her right arm wrapped around her abdomen, pressing firmly on the now soaked pad through her uniform, trying to stem the fresh flow of blood her last stumble had caused. Deep breaths were impossible now; she could only manage short sharp pants as her lungs struggled to supply her with oxygen. The pressure was solid, every breath taking so much effort. With the amount of fluid that must be present, she was fairly certain she couldn’t last until the medical team arrived, even if she could stop the bleeding. But she had gotten him out, he was going to be okay. There was nothing more she could do. She let her eyes slip closed, focusing only on taking one breath after another.

Down in the darkness, it had been hard to notice anything different about Kathryn, but now that Chakotay could see her clearly, something just felt off. He watched in alarm as her eyes closed, and only then did he realise she wasn’t in her usual red, but yellow. 

“Kathryn?” 

She didn’t respond. Although he knew she must be exhausted, it was not like her to find sleep so swiftly. Panic filled him. 

Ignoring the dizziness that tried to overwhelm him as he struggled to his feet, he rushed to her side. Touching her pallid forehead he could feel how cold and clammy she was. Her eyes did not open. 

He shook her shoulder gently, and a moan of agony escaped her lips. Eyes running over her form, scared to touch anywhere in case he caused her more pain, his attention was drawn to her arm, pressing firmly against her stomach. Pulling it away carefully, he was horrified to see the blood along its length. There was no cut, which meant the only place the blood could have come from was where her arm had been pressing her abdomen.

Gently pushing up her top, his heart sank at the completely crimson fabric he found tied there. It wasn’t doing anything, too saturated to resist the flow of liquid. Dreading what he would find, he removed it. The wound was still actively bleeding around the large shard of glass he could see lodged in her body. How had she even been walking with this, let alone managing to do so while concealing it from him?

“Kathryn, what have you done?” he whispered. She should never have been moving with an injury like this.

Quickly stripping off his top, he pressed it against the wound, desperate to stop the flow, but the action caused her to first gasp, then choke as her sharp intake of breath interrupted her attempts to regulate her breathing. Her coughing fit seemed to revive her slightly, eyes fluttering and watering as she fought to regain control of her breathing. 

Chakotay could see fresh blood on her lips.

“Kathryn!” The hand not pressing the fabric into her abdomen was on her face, trying to help keep her awake, to let her know she wasn’t alone. 

“Kathryn, please, stay with me. The doctor will be here soon, you just have to hold on. Please…”

Something in the desperation of his voice seemed to reach her, and with great effort, her eyes struggled open, meeting his. But the bright spark of life she usually exuded was gone. Although she was looking at him, her eyes were dull, almost glazed.

“Chakotay.” She smiled. Her arm twitched as though trying to lift towards him but lacking the strength. For a moment his hand left her stomach, taking hers and squeezing gently, but he couldn’t afford to stop applying pressure for more than a few seconds. He left his other on her cheek, offering her support, and her head moved almost imperceptibly against it.

“Hey you. Don’t move, I’m here. The Doctor will be here soon, you just need to hold on, okay?”

Kathryn kept smiling but didn’t speak. Her eyelids were already beginning to droop despite her attempts to keep them open. 

He scrambled for the combadge.

“Chakotay to Delta flyer, where are you?”

“Tom here. We’re on the way, Chakotay, should be there in about 20 minutes.”

“Not good enough, Tom, she’s dying, and I can’t do anything to stop it. I need you here now!”

“Tuvok didn’t-“

“He didn’t know, neither did I. There is glass impaled through her abdomen, she’s bleeding out. I’m trying to stop it but she must have lost so much blood already. She can barely breathe, and she’s coughing up blood. I think she’s going into shock, I’m struggling to keep her conscious...”

Tom swore. 

“Doctor, I need you to do your best to talk Chakotay through anything you can think of to get her another ten minutes. I need to concentrate. I’ll get us there as soon as I can, Chakotay.”

Kathryn was vaguely aware of Chakotay’s panicked voice, could feel him moving her as he followed the Doctor’s directions to try and divert her remaining blood to her vital organs, but she was too far gone to understand. Even the pain was fuzzy now, softer than before, and she felt the calm satisfaction of having done what she set out to do. The last thing she felt before everything faded to black was his hands both pressing firmly against her abdomen, and soft flecks of warm liquid dripping onto her bare skin. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Mary S for beta and support!

Kathryn waited, but as expected, there was no response to her chime. Once more she tried, giving him the chance to accept her company. When he didn’t appear, her own override code danced out under her fingers, granting her entry. It made her uncomfortable having to use her authority this way; the purpose of command override codes was not to enable her to force entrance into private quarters where she was so clearly not wanted. But he left her little choice. 

Sitting on the sofa beneath his viewport, she knew he was aware she had entered, but he remained silent, fixedly looking out into the darkness.

She had been discharged from sickbay three days ago, confined to bedrest and some light activity, and absolutely no work for a week. It would have driven her insane, had she not been occupied by other thoughts.

Somehow, Chakotay, under the Doctor’s directions, had managed to keep her heart beating long enough for Tom and the Doctor to arrive. Even then, it had been a real struggle to keep her with them as they raced back to Voyager. The glass shard had passed completely through her liver, miraculously missing the portal vein, and up diagonally through her lung. Her continuous movements as they struggled to escape the tunnels had caused it to edge sideways, perilously close to reaching her heart. It had taken almost a day for them to stabilise her, to repair the damage done so she could start healing, and another 72 hours before she regained consciousness.

As he prepared to discharge her, she had endured an unbearably long lecture from the Doctor as he went through all of the different ways she had almost died. As though she didn’t know, as though she didn’t remember the feeling of suffocating on her own blood, the endless cold as she failed to prevent the flow of life from her body. But that wasn’t the reason she had been desperate for the lecture to end.

***

Warmth washed over her as she began to drift out of sleep, driving away the memory of the cold. Mind blissfully peaceful without the harsh beating of her heart drowning out all other sounds. She took a deep breath, and for the first time understood the sweetness of being able to draw as much air as she could. Without even being aware she was awake, a small laugh slipped from her, not even really sure why, not lucid enough to understand the joy of simply being alive.

The scraping of a chair sounded nearby, as though she had surprised the occupant with her laughter. She wanted to open her eyes but the brightness was too much and they rapidly fluttered closed before she could take anything in. A deep breath, and then she tried again.

Chakotay had honestly never looked so terrible. She wondered when he had last slept; he looked beyond exhaustion, face drawn, eyes red. Despite this, there was no one she would rather have seen. Just to know he was alive, it had all been worth it. Her hand was gripped between his, she realised he must have been holding on to her for a long time, the heat generated by his hands almost unbearable. 

His eyes met hers, and now it was her who could read him. He was glad, no, far beyond glad, that she was okay, but that was only the surface. Such despair, so deep she was worried it had consumed all the love he had once had. Perhaps she had always taken his forgiving nature for granted, or maybe she had just never pushed him so far, but as she looked at him, she was no longer sure if he could forgive her for deceiving him, whether she had broken things between them irrevocably. Although at the time she had barely been aware of it, she could now clearly remember his face as he had realised she was hurt, that she was dying, was going to die in front of him. His feeling of helplessness that there was nothing he could do.

With a deep breath, he closed his eyes a moment, drawing her back to the present as he squeezed her hand tightly. Then he left without a word.

***

It had been a further two days before the doctor discharged her to her quarters, but in that time, Chakotay had not returned to see her. Nor had she seen him in the three days since, despite what had felt like every crewmember making it their number one priority to traipse to her quarters to express their relief that she, that they, had been found. Deeply touched, she tried not to let the constant company remind her of the absence of who she most wanted to see. Her attempts to hail him had been ignored.

But now she had had enough, she was not going to let this go on any longer. Despite having been treated and discharged long before she woke, when asked, the Doctor had confirmed she had been right about Chakotay’s injuries. His nausea and confusion had resulted from hydrocephalus caused by the blunt force trauma to his skull, and if they had waited much longer to drain the excess fluid, permanent neurological damage would have been unavoidable. If only her vindication could fix the damage between them, but it wasn’t about being right. She also knew, despite being cleared for duty the day after they got back, he hadn’t left sickbay until the moment she shared with him when she woke.

“I’m glad to see you are well, Captain.”

His tone was clipped, calm but barely concealing the deep seated anger behind his words. She sighed, expecting nothing less.

“I understand you are angry-“

“You understand? I don’t think you understand me at all, not anymore. Angry doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel, Kathryn! You tried to kill yourself!”

“That’s not fair, Chakotay, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t want to die. I wanted us, both of us, to get back safely, but I accepted it might not be possible. It was the only way to give us a chance, we would have died there before anyone could find us. I’m sorry for hurting you. But I won’t apologise for my actions. Tell me honestly, right now, that if it had been me with the head injury, that you would have done any differently, that you would have stopped instead of trying to save me.”

He couldn’t and she knew it. But it didn’t make him feel any less betrayed, and his fury mounted as she tried to use his own feelings against him.

“I would have told you. You lied to me, deliberately hid how hurt you were. You should have told me!”

“How would it have helped? I made my decision, I wasn’t going to stop, no matter what you said, and you needed every ounce of strength to keep going. If you were worrying every step I took, every time I stumbled, we wouldn’t have made it. It would have been both our deaths, not one.”

“You don’t know that. You took away my choice. Even at the end, you wouldn’t let anyone know how badly you were injured.”

“By the time we made it out and realised we couldn’t beam back to the ship, I knew it was too late. What point would there be in saying it, of filling my last moments with panic and distress?”

“You wouldn’t have died alone, Kathryn, that’s the point. I would have been there with you. You were happy to let me think you were just closing your eyes, just resting after the long walk. I wouldn’t even have known until it was too late. It almost was. I thought it was.” There was no anger in his voice anymore, but the cold hurt burned her far more than his hot anger had. And she did remember him, remembered his hand on her face, and the sense of peace she had felt knowing he was there with her.

“Chakotay. Please understand, this wasn’t an impulsive decision or act of recklessness. I knew full well what I was doing reduced my chances of getting back to Voyager, and I balanced it against the likely outcomes if we stayed there.”

“Do you really think that makes it better, to know that you thought about what you were doing? How did you feel Kathryn, when you thought you had let me die? When you didn’t think you could pull me back?

“I...” But there were no words, and he already knew.

“That’s what I went through, that’s what you _chose_ to do to me with your silence. You felt it yourself, and you chose to let it happen to me rather than trusting I would understand you if you told me.”

It was her turn to be silent. It had been the right choice to try to get out, to keep going even when her injuries got worse, she knew it was. But he was right too. She couldn’t remember anything worse in her life than that moment of desperation when she thought she had let him rest too long, let him slip from her grasp.

“Chakotay, I have to make the tough choices, that’s my life, and I like to think I’m very good at it. It was the correct course of action, and I think you know that even if you won’t accept it. You would have died! This is exactly why…” She stopped suddenly, as though she realised what she was going to say.

“Why what, Kathryn?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

“It does. It matters more than anything else.”

She laughed mirthlessly.

“You know, Chakotay, I know you do, you don’t need me to say it. But it doesn’t change anything. Don’t you understand? This is how it has to be, how it always has to be. I will always have to make these decisions, and you are always going to disagree, going to want to argue with me until I back down, which I won’t. It’s complicated enough as it is.

“You kissed me.”

“I thought you had died, I let it cloud my mind enough to act inappropriately.”

“And I think _you_ know, even if you won’t accept it, that in that moment you realised all the regrets you would have had if I _had_ died.”

“Chakotay, you haven’t spoken to me once since we came back. What do you think it would be like if we were together, how could we continue to function as a team? I need to know I can rely on you, even when I make choices that you don’t agree with. You can’t just shut me out whenever you disagree with me. Everyone relies on us to be united. Better to regret losing you than to fail my responsibility to our people when one of us makes a bad decision because our feelings cloud our judgment.”

“Kathryn, sometimes you are blinded by your own expectations. When have I ever failed to follow your orders? You have made many choices I don’t agree with, pushed me to the limits time and again, and yes, I do tell you what I think, because that’s what you need me to do. I have never stopped you, or in any way indicated to anyone other than you when I think you are wrong, because I respect your responsibility to make those decisions. I’ve always supported whatever choices you make in front of the crew, even if I disagree with you. I have never taken it personally when you don’t listen to my advice. Our friendship, our relationship is an entirely separate entity from our duties, and again I have never let my feelings for you affect my responsibilities to this ship.

“I haven’t spoken to you because this is personal; this is not business, whatever you try to tell yourself. I needed some time to deal with how this will affect us. If we were on duty today, you would have seen no indication of my feelings, no difference from any other day. But you have come here, uninvited, to my quarters, and essentially told me it’s my responsibility as your first officer to blindly accept any decision you make. In all honesty, Kathryn, you deserve to be told how completely out of line you are. You can order me to follow your command as my captain, but you have no control over how I feel as your friend, as someone who loves you. If you can’t understand how the two are different, I think you have already fallen into the trap you are trying to avoid by refusing to acknowledge how you feel about me.

“If you really thought your choice fell into your remit as captain, that it was the best option for both of us, you should have told me, trusted that I would follow your lead even if I didn’t agree, because I have always done that. But you didn’t, you made this choice because you decided my life was more important than yours, and you didn’t trust me enough to tell me. A friendship without trust is meaningless. And since it seems the only person whose opinion you trust is yours, I hope you realise what a lonely road you have chosen.

“You forget, I am a captain too, though I have chosen to follow you, so don’t you dare think for a minute that I don’t understand how difficult it is. But that does not excuse your belief that your decisions, your feelings, are more valid than mine. So, Kathryn, thank you for showing me where I stand, showing me how you value our friendship. Thank you for saving my life. I hope it was worth it.

“Now, if we were anywhere else, this is where I would leave but as you seem to think your captain’s responsibilities include inserting yourself into my private space, I highly suggest you leave now before you lose my respect as well as what is left of our friendship.”

Despite his remarkably restrained and calm manner, his fury was unmistakable. It was clear that Chakotay had been deeply shaken, and despite his longstanding tendency to forgive Kathryn for her less than ideal behaviours, he seemed to have found his limit. Her cheeks flushed in shame as she realised how deeply disappointed he was in her.

Kathryn was completely devastated by the harsh truths he forced her to face. She wanted to tell him she had been wrong, that she was sorry, because she had been, and she was. But she didn’t. Not because her pride prevented her, or because of her stubborn nature. Her actions had cut him deeply, and his hurt was too raw, too fresh for her words to have any meaning. He wouldn’t be able to hear what she needed to say, wouldn’t believe her even if he did. 

She couldn’t even remember when she had started down the slippery slope, when she had started listening to his advice less. But as she thought back, she knew he was right. Chakotay had always given her his support, given her anything she needed to keep going. He had trusted her implicitly, and she thought she had repaid that trust equally. But it was obvious now, that while he had deserved her trust, there had been a small part of her holding back, without her even knowing it. Chakotay had always given her far more than his responsibilities required, but she had never fully seen it. Had never let herself believe that he was capable of separating his personal and professional feelings, because she herself doubted her own ability to do so. The problems between them were a reflection of herself, not a reflection of what she should have seen before her.

In order to be a good captain, she knew her responsibilities had to come first, she would never be able to put that aside. But maybe he was right, maybe the cost of meeting her responsibilities didn’t have to be the loss of herself. Going forward, she promised herself that Kathryn would make repairing their friendship her highest priority. The first part of that meant listening, no, not just listening, but listening and understanding. She hoped that with time, she could regain his trust enough for him to let her try, but the best thing she could do for now was to give him the space, the time he needed.

Deeply unsure of herself, she touched his shoulder with the tips of her fingers, withdrawing her hand quickly before he had the chance to reject her small attempt at reconciliation. Then she left, wondering if she would ever feel as small, as indefensibly wrong, as she felt then.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay in posting this chapter, work is so busy this time of year!
> 
> Thanks to Mary S for the super speedy beta work :D

Having been forced to take a hard look at herself, Kathryn couldn’t deny she was unhappy with what she had seen. And it wasn’t only Chakotay she had treated unfairly, she realised, it was everyone. She had always strongly believed that a Captain was only as good as her crew, and she was beyond lucky to have the crew she had. But despite this, she could see clear indications of caution in their behaviours, and she couldn’t help wondering when she had become so unapproachable. While it was important to maintain appropriate command structure, she couldn’t ignore the fact that out here, they were the only family they all had, and it was her responsibility to ensure their wellbeing, both professional and personal.

Time was when she had welcomed any input, any suggestions that could be considered. When she had felt connected to her crew, although never crossing any inappropriate boundaries, nevertheless, she had developed relationships with them. But recently, she realised she had let this slip, and she couldn’t blame any of them if they thought she no longer cared. Truth was, she cared for them all far more than she would dare admit, but as with Chakotay, she had told herself her feelings could only cause difficulties, impair her ability to function rationally, and weren’t in the best interest of the ship. So piece by piece, she had shut herself off, pulled back in an attempt to retain control. But she hadn’t understood that ultimately, she was only weakening both herself and the crew. By setting herself apart from them, by showing no interest outside of basic performance of duties, she had discouraged them from pushing themselves, from taking enjoyment and pride in their achievements. The unspoken implication of her actions spread the belief that she only trusted herself, resulting in an understandable drop in morale.

Only now did she understand just how touching it was for there to have been such widespread concern on her behalf when she had cheated death once more. Despite her behaviour, her crew had set aside their concerns in order to establish for themselves that she really was okay.

Chakotay had been right to call her out.

With shame, she now recalled the many times he had tried to persuade her to come along to staff functions, pleading for just a short amount of her time. Convinced that spending more time together would be detrimental, she had brushed him off, preferring to spend the time in solitude, avoiding temptation. Again seeing only what she expected to see, she hadn’t really heard what he was saying. But now all she could hear in her head was his soft voice, gently mentioning how much good it would do the crew to see her.

How long had he been picking up after her without her realising?

***

It hadn’t taken long to start seeing the impact the changes in her behaviour were having. The bridge was once more running at peak efficiency, the faint air of trepidation she hadn't even realised had settled there, now banished. In the last week alone, she had been approached by three separate crew members with suggestions for improvements or projects that might be worth investing in, and she had no problem recognising their merit, unhesitatingly authorising them all. She couldn't even remember the last time that had happened, she was ashamed to realise.

All in all, Voyager was proceeding onward on a positive footing, her re-evaluated attitude invigorating the team. While she was delighted that she had been given this opportunity to reintegrate with her crew, to re-find the leader she had once been, she still had to overcome her biggest hurdle – how to rebuild her relationship with Chakotay.

It had been several months since their fight. As expected, when she had returned to duty, Chakotay had been exactly the same as he always had. He made no attempt to avoid her, was quite happy to meet her eyes when they spoke, to bring issues to her attention when she was in her ready room as though he had no memory of the last time they had been alone. However, he seemed to know instinctively anytime she was thinking of interacting with him in a personal way, and shut her down before she could do, or say, anything. But aside from this, he appeared entirely unaffected.

But she wasn’t. Every time she saw him, she couldn’t help her heart picking up a few beats. She thought perhaps this might be the first time she had seen him properly in a long time, really seen him, without her own tint imposed over his actions. Without her realising it, over time their relationship had become quite unbalanced, almost one sided. Her concern about her own developing feelings blinding her to reality.

God, she really had been an idiot.

And the worst thing was she knew she would want to do exactly the same thing again tomorrow if she found herself back there. And it wasn’t because she didn’t trust him, because he was right, it had nothing to do with duty. It was because she couldn’t imagine being able to live a single day without him in her life. And yet, because of her actions, she now had less of him than ever. And he deserved so much more from her than she had given him.

So she had found herself again at his door, this time determined that she would not push her presence on him, hoping that maybe he would let her speak. To fully share her thoughts with him, her worries, her regrets, to show him she trusted him with anything, with every part of her in a way she had never done before. Every night she had come, so far he had not answered, letting her know he wasn’t ready to hear what she had to say, and she had respected his wishes for another day, hoping that tomorrow he might change his mind. However long it took, she would wait.

***

Finally, one night he responded. He didn’t wait to look at her or talk to her, retreating back into the darkness without a word. But the door remained open.

Give her a hostile encounter any day, she would fight for her ship, for her crew without a single fear. But this was something different, something she didn’t know how to deal with. With a deep breath, more nervous than she could ever remember, she followed him in.

“Chakotay, I know I have made things very difficult between us, and you have every right to be furious with me. I... have made some really dreadful decisions, and compounded them with my pride and anger, my inability to listen. There is no excuse for the way I have behaved, but you deserve an explanation, for me to be honest with you. Will you let me?”

Chakotay surveyed her face, his emotions not outwardly showing but she suspected his silence was more as the result of too many thoughts than too few.

“I’m here as Kathryn, Chakotay, someone who really does value your friendship, however stupid I have been. I will tell you what is relevant from the captain’s point of view, but this is about me as a person. About us. I’m not asking you to talk to me if you don’t want to, but please, listen to what I have to say.”

Eventually he nodded, and much as he had the previous time they had been here, returned his gaze to the darkness they could see through the porthole.

“Chakotay, I...I’m sorry. I know you don’t believe me, but I really do know I can trust you, with anything. I don’t think I let myself believe it because it would mean admitting to myself that my feelings for you were….more than what is appropriate.”

She closed her eyes. It was so hard to admit she was wrong, harder because it was Chakotay, and she hated him to see her flaws. And because she knew if she couldn’t make it right between them, it would break her heart.

“You were right. About everything. None of my actions were a command decision. From the first moment I found myself after the earthquake, even when I realised how badly I was injured, my only thoughts were to find you, to hope you weren’t hurt. I consciously made the decision to withhold my injury from you because I was scared you wouldn’t let me try to escape with you, and you wouldn’t have made it on your own. Even as I got worse, I couldn’t bring myself to admit it because I saw you struggling, and my desperation to make sure you were okay overrode anything else in my mind. “

She sighed.

“At...at the end, I didn’t really make a choice to let myself go without telling you, please believe me. I know I argued with you that it was what I thought was best, but the truth is I had nothing left. I spoke to Tuvok and knew they were coming for you, and then... it was like I wasn’t really there. I couldn’t think anymore, all there was, was relief that you were safe, and the struggle to keep breathing. I don’t think I could have said anything, even if I could focus for long enough to form a thought.”

She glanced up at him for a moment. He still wasn’t looking at her, but she could see the tension in his jaw as he listened.

“You spoke to me.”

Confused, Kathryn blinked. She didn’t remember that.

“I... I did?”

“You said my name.”

“I don’t remember that. I remember... I remember feeling cold, very cold. I remember struggling to breathe. I... I remember you being there. It’s going to sound crazy...” She laughed, more to herself than anything, and she didn’t really know why because it wasn’t funny.

“I remember feeling happy. Once I sat down, I couldn’t clearly remember anything about what had happened. I had a vague idea that I was dying, but not really enough comprehension of what that meant. It hurt, but not in the sharp, direct way it had before, honestly, compared to the agony it had taken to get there, the numbness was almost blissful. I think my body needed to divert all attention and energy to its struggle to keep going. But then... I remember you. I felt you touch my face, and it was like everything else was just... gone. I don’t remember speaking, but I remember feeling your presence, feeling like you were driving the cold away. I forgot I couldn’t breathe, because just having you so close was making me breathless in a different way, a way I didn’t want to stop, and I wasn’t scared. Because you were with me, and I felt safe.”

Snorting, she brushed away her own tears scornfully.

“Ridiculous, isn’t it? I was literally dying, and yet all I could think was how much happier I was in that moment than I had been in a very long time. Because I no longer had the energy to deny my feelings for you, to force myself to exist like a shadow caught between the worlds of duty and love. And I do love you, Chakotay, more than I have loved anyone. More than I loved life.

“I tried to rationalise my behaviour, to excuse it, to make myself believe I made a logical choice that anyone else would have made, but it’s not true. Perhaps at the start, when I was still relatively early in the stages of blood loss, I could argue that it really was best for us to try and escape. We were deep underground, and I knew there was only so much time until the fire caught and trapped us there. Even if a rescue party managed to find us, I doubt they would have before we suffocated, or worse. But after that... I made so many poor choices, one after the other without even knowing it. I had decided at the start what I was going to do and there was to be no revisiting it, all that came after was simply me following that plan. 

“I could have told you, once we were out of immediate danger, but I was too afraid you would refuse to go any further. I couldn’t stand the idea of fighting with you, of wasting time, while you were clearly getting worse. I could have told you after I thought you had died, but all I could think then was how relieved I was that you came back. When we found the door, and saw the light and knew we were almost there, I could have told you then. I could have stopped, and not struggled up those stairs, not stumbled all those times and made my injury worse. But even then I couldn’t admit to myself what was happening. What if you got to the top and there was no response from Voyager? If we needed to keep going, to find some other way to get back, I knew you couldn’t do it alone. So I again elected to keep you in the dark. I should have told Tuvok what was happening, but at that point I had almost forgotten about myself completely.

“It would be easy to put it down to blood loss, to say my decision making was impaired. And it was to some extent, I’m sure. But not enough to write off my choices. The truth is, I couldn’t sit and watch you die. Anything would be better than that, there was never a moment when I wasn’t willing to die to make sure you didn’t; I couldn’t have lived otherwise. I didn’t even consider it from your point of view, what it might do to you if that happened. What I would be making you live with. Selfishly, all I could think about was how empty my life would be without you.

“So in a way, you were right, I’m already doing what I was the most afraid of. Because I didn’t let myself acknowledge my feelings, I couldn’t tell my judgment was already impaired. I think part of my fear was that I rely on you to tell me when I am wrong, though I’ve taken your advice fewer times than I should. But if our relationship was more… if both our judgments were impaired for the same reason, I worried that you would not be able to tell me, or be unable to see my errors. But I realise now that regardless of what I did, of whether I acted on them or not, it didn’t change that the feelings were there. And you still told me when I was wrong. I need that, Chakotay. Sometimes I forget that I don’t have to do everything by myself.

“I know you feel guilty for not pushing harder when I told you I was fine, for not picking up that I was injured. I worked very, very hard to keep it from you, Chakotay, to act as normally as possible. And in all honesty, for most of the journey I could barely believe you were still walking, still conscious. You never had a chance to work out what was going on. The severity of your head injury.... well, let’s just say if I wasn’t there, I doubt you would even have been able to remember which way you had come from if you stopped. Sometimes I wondered if you only kept going because part of you didn’t want to leave me alone, even if you didn’t have the energy to consciously think it.”

She took a deep breath, as though deeply concerned what she would say would do more damage than good. But she had promised she would be completely honest.

“If I ask myself now, what I would do if put into the same situation, I find it very difficult to not imagine wanting to do the exact same thing. Even with the benefit of hindsight, I just couldn’t have given up on you, Chakotay, never. I... I hope that I would be able to tell you, to trust you to follow my command even if you hated me for forcing you to make that choice.”

When he remained silent, gaze unchanged, Kathryn sighed, but she knew she had given him a lot to think about, and that the only way to ensure he understood her sincerity was with her actions. Once more she touched his shoulder, more firmly than the last time, the gesture one they had long shared, one of the few ways she had been able to show him her affection without breaking protocol.

“When I told you we couldn’t be together because I needed to rely on you, on us, to be a team, I was completely out of line. The fact that you were able to tell me exactly how unacceptable my behaviour was proves your point. I never really saw exactly how well you could do both roles because I saw you reflected in my own worse perceptions of myself. It’s me, Chakotay, it’s always been me, I just didn’t realise it. I’m the one that didn’t know how to separate myself from my responsibilities. But I want to. I’m trying. I know it’s going to take time, but please believe me when I say that I want nothing more than to repair the damage I have done to our friendship.”

Turning to leave him to his thoughts, to process what she had said, her hand was suddenly trapped against his shoulder, his own larger hand covering hers before she could lift it away.

He sighed.

“Oh Kathryn, what am I going to do with you?”

“I’m hoping you’ll find it in your heart to let me show you how much you mean to me. That you can overlook my imperfections, and believe I am capable of change.”

“I don’t expect you to be perfect Kathryn, I never have. But there are some things without which maintaining a meaningful relationship becomes almost impossible. Trust is one, and honesty is another. It’s been so hard to reconcile the Kathryn I love with the person who repeatedly, and without regret, lied to my face about not being injured. For this to work between us, I need to know I can still trust you, that if I ask you something, you will be truthful – no matter how difficult it is. I don’t mean every little thing; tell me you’ve had three cups of coffee when I know full well you’ve had five, I can let that slide. But when it’s important, when it matters, I have to know you will be open with me. I love you more than words can say, and I can forgive you almost anything, but this is non-negotiable. Can you live with that?”

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures/CBS; no infringement of copyright is intended.


End file.
